Tag Archives: fear

How I Sleep

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How I Sleep

My feet in a pocket and my small blanket up top, I never go without a blanket. Even in the hot hot summer, I always have my comforter atleast around my feet. I don’t know why, but it helps me sleep better. It makes me feel almost safe.
I’ve gone through this many times.. I try to let one foot out of its little pocket, or let my hand fall off the bed every once in awhile just to test myself. But it almost always gives me just an unsafe feeling. Even though I know that nothing will happen if I simply leave my feet under the covers without a pocket. So I don’t understand why I have this fear. Even if I do somehow get over it, I already have it as a habit to get into bed and tuck my feet in.
This past summer I kept a foot out for a bit. I found that as long as it was above my other foot, it felt fine to me. I’ve kind of tested myself, in a way, to get to the root of this problem.
Another thing I noticed was that I felt safe when my dog was next to me. Although she is nice to have next to me, its safer when she sleeps at my feet, or on the side of my bed, so that if my hand falls down, she is there if anything is to worry me.
I believe that this is a sort of loneliness feeling that brings all this out. Not that I am lonely, but maybe something as a child made me feel unsafe in my own room.
Actually, looking back into my childhood, I remember something happening in my room. I had been awaken at night, and I could not get this creaking noise out of my ears. I tried looking around and I remember seeing my closet doors opening, or seeming to, from completely different sides of the room. I tried to scream for my parents, but it wasn’t loud enough. I tried to close my eyes tight and make myself fall asleep. I remember feeling like the only person in the house. Like nobody was there to rescue me. It was probably the most scary and lonely moment of my childhood I can remember.
Even though it was all probably a dream, and I probably wasn’t actually screaming, it felt very real to me. And it stuck with me. That’s probably the moment I tucked myself in everywhere so that there were no cracks that anything could get me through. But the most important thing was my feet. My feet had to be in a huge pocket atleast to my knees. They had to. If I didn’t do it, I’d get pulled under the bed just like the people from “Don’t Look Under Your Bed” on Disney channel. That was the first scary movie I had seen, and it scared me to death. I don’t think I’ve ever had a free nights sleep since that movie entered my mind.
So why do I still act like there’s monsters under my bed? Well its not like I actually believe with all my heart that there are monsters under my bed; I actually don’t have an “under my bed.”
Conveniently, I like the look of a mattress without a frame. I have a box spring with a mattress and that’s it.
I guess I don’t want the temptation of that fear to get to me.. but I also don’t want the temptation of throwing all of my clothes under the bed either.
In reality, I think that that one moment as a child, made everything about my room completely different. I’ve adapted to my fear, so that It’s ideas unconsciously follow me throughout my whole life.

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Will this Cloud Forever Hang Over Me?

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Will this Cloud Forever Hang Over Me?

 

My dreams are, of course, becoming some type of psychologist. I want to help people get through all of their struggles in life. Maybe it was my struggles growing up that pushed me towards this career path,or maybe it was just coincidence.
My struggles soon became more medically prominent not too long ago.
I have been diagnosed with so many things, it makes me self conscious.
Although many psychologists and doctors would put these diagnostics in the “everyday problems” category, I put them in the “Freaky and shameful” category.
With that mindset, it’s hard to just move these things into a different category; I’ve been thinking of them in this one my whole life.
So I always think about things like “what if something happens while I’m trying to help another patient in the future?”  I know that’s a long ways from now, and I’m hoping to be perfectly fine on my own by then, but… what if I’m not… what if I’be made no progress?
And again, with that mindset, I won’t.. this cloud of fear and doubt will always be hanging over my head.
So I can’t help but wonder and worry that I might be put in a corner of an office looking at papers all day for a living. I’m not putting down these jobs in anyway, but its just the opposite of what I want to do. I’d like to think of myself with my own office, being able to decorate it however I want so it seems to be outside and open. I want to be welcoming and happy when someone walks through my door. I don’t want to have to fake my way through my dream job; I don’t want to act like I’m not hurting at all. I just want to not hurt ever again. I don’t want the painful memories from this part of my life.
If I have a patient, and I’m talking to them, they very well might be able to tell that I’m faking something. You know what that will do to them? It will make them respect me less… it will make them learn how to fake, which would be the opposite of what I was trying to do… it will probably make them uncomfortable..
My biggest fear is having somebody be uncomfortable at all near me.. somebody not wanting to open up, or move on, because of me.
And I can’t help but wonder if all this is going to affect me; my thinking, my feeling, my consciousness..  everything that is me, makes me wonder if it affects what I want to be.
My whole life, my whole future, depends on me. Only me. In reality, that’s all it comes down to. Which is the scariest thing of all.