Not so much college life, but the preparation of college life is what I will be talking about. The stressful junior year turns into the even more stressful senior year. College applications, scholarships, high school grades still needing to count, and let’s not forget about all the anxiety and anticipation that comes into the process of applying into all of this.
Most of the time, for me that is, the scholarships applications are more stressful and cumbersome than the actual college applications themselves.
Personally, I’m so happy to get everything organized, and ready to go. I’ve been so caught up in my delightful course choices and independent readings, that I don’t have time to blog about it. If I didn’t have to work so much in order to survive and actually be semi successfull in my dreams, I would blog day after day with no care. I could blog about any and every topic that I wanted to. The problem for me is that I hate being unorganized. I love even numbers and I love patterns.
For my blog, I have tried every other day. After I started getting more and more busy, it moved to every 4 days, then once a week. I have decided not to push myself into the routine at this moment, but to do it as it comes along.
I am actually quite sad about this decision because I have so many thoughts that I want to share! I just simply don’t have the time.. you would think this would be the life of a college student, but sadly it is the life of me, who is merely a high school student. Balancing a 36 hour work week with only minimum wage, school, and homework, sadly my wants and interests are pushed aside and left for the few minutes I have in the day, where I am already so out of it, that all I want to do is sleep.
Oddly enough, I like to read in my downtime. Unfortunately, I have to feeling of rush put on me everytime I open a book now, because of the schools requirements. I wish that I could freely read in my spare time, and truly take in what I want and need to take in. I really want to know the path I am most interested in traveling. I will never know until I read all these books that tell exactly what I want to do. Do you like this?.. then you should do this! Essentially anyway…
But hopefully I will soon come to a point where everything will slow down to how it was when I started. It helps me grow, I think, when I can get everything out that I want to analyze, whether its wrong or not, and share it for anyone else to see or comment or even just think I’m crazy. I love it! And I will soon be doing it again more often, as much as I can.
P.S. I really appreciate the few people that take their precious time as well to actually look at my blog. If I didn’t think atleast one person cared, I wouldn’t be so encouraged to speak or even think my own thoughts and grow as a person, adult, and hopeful psychological scholar. It is you few people that make me feel like what I want to do with my life is practical, and that I actually can do it. And for that, I thank you very much.
Everyone knows that we have a blind spot. But we can’t tell unless we do those cute blind spot tricks with the dot and cross. So why don’t we ever notice it before? Well, your eye can’t really see it, even though you think that you can. Your brain actually makes that spot up. It takes in your surroundings and composes that spot as a guess of what it really would look like if you were to look at it directly. But that, I think, is not always true. After learning this, I realized that some peoples brains aren’t always the same. When it comes to mental disorders, I believe this blind spot has something to do with it.
If somebody has a disorder where they think that they see or hear things, we know that the mind is making it up. But it most likely is happening in that blind spot. The made up image is not right, bringing back other scary associations from the memory. Everything in the mind can be associated unconsciously to other things. You may not remember something that happened to you when you were ten years old. But it unconsciously arises when there is a trigger. And this trigger could be anything.
Personally, I see a shadow in my blind spot. When I move too quickly, it brings back a memory from a dream years ago that surrounded me in scary shadows. That movement quickly triggers in my brain that the shadow is a threat. It’s unconscious, so I can’t help it. That is what gives me my panic and anxiety. It may very well have started with that small blind spot.
So a good way that I have learned to slightly control it, is make up something else. Force your mind to think of something that won’t make you jump, but smile. Whenever I see that shadow now, I change it to a highlight; a bright angel watching over me rather than a dark demon trying to capture me. But that can’t always work. If I’m already in a bad or scared mood, it has the opposite effect. But closing my eyes can help. I pretend to shoot everything away and that I’m the star hero in a movie. It’s a little dramatic, I know. But it sure does work!
For less threatening situations, it would probably be easier to just forget about it. Let it make you jump for a second, then let it go away. Even though this one little blind spot could have started the chain reaction of other mental disorders, it can’t be the whole cause. But how can we truly ever know?
Letting go anything can be hard. I know from personal experience. But how can you do it without overwhelming yourself or completely forgetting? Or do you want to forget? I guess it depends what you’re letting go.
I have let go and tried to let go many things in my life. I’ve lost a brother, who was my best friend. That was the hardest thing for me. I’m not sure if I’ve totally let that go yet, but I don’t know if I really want to. I’ve been to therapy about it, camps for that specific reason, and I’ve wrote many letters that have been attached to balloons and sent up into the air and were supposed to get to my brother. I’ve done that atleast twice and I almost felt at peace with that. But then I always have to look at the reality of things. I know that that balloon won’t really make it to heaven. It will eventually pop and some one else will find my note that’s not for them. So right after I find the peace, I get panicked and it was all meaningless. If I weren’t so realistic all the time, it would have worked. So I try other things like getting pictures of us together and thinking about the good times. That helps when I need a good solid cry. Then I feel much better. For the time atleast. So honestly, with that subject, I don’t think I’ve quite let go, and don’t know if I ever will.
A much smaller thing would be my baby blanky. To try not to sleep with it every night. I used to try not to atleast. I would throw it somewhere else and say I’m such a baby. But eventually, I realized that it’s okay to sleep with a blanky. I don’t sleep with it every night and it’s not essential to my living. But it’s theraputic when I need comforting, and reminding myself that my granny, who made it, is watching over me and helping me through everything.
Going down even farther, is letting go of a bad habit. Everyone has one, and for me, I have many. I crack my knuckles, along with everything else on my body. I shake me legs 24/7. And I used my bite my nails. I’m proud of myself for quitting this bad habit. It’s one of the worst in my opinion. I bit my nails for years and years and years. It really hurt my teeth but it would bother me to not bite them. But I wanted to grow my nails out really badly. So I quit cold turkey. It’s the best way to go. Although I’d slip every once in awhile, I had back up support to remind me not to do it.
Just the simplest things, and the slightest help from others, got me through the bad and the worst. It’s hard to give up or let go of anything. Whether its a bad habit or a lost loved one, it’s nice to have support, and know that someone does care. Find that person or group of people that can get you through anything. And you will be able to accomplish anything that you want to. If you’re willing and passionate enough, you can let go.
Did you know that when you and another are approaching each other, you are both supposed to go to your own right? Well, probably not. But its kind of an unspoken norm in our culture. We drive on the right.. ride bikes on the right… and even walk to the right.
Most of us are right handed, yes, so maybe that’s the reason it feels so natural when approaching someone to walk to the right. But we always get those people that bump into us because they want to go to the left. Or sometimes, even, they will go across the whole walkway just to cross you on the left. Maybe they’re left handed..
I’ve never really thought about the writing hand of the person I’m approaching, when I’m approaching them. It’s not what’s on my mind at the time. But thinking back, that would be such a good explanation as to why they go left instead of right.
You would think they’d learn though, being in the American culture, where everything is based around the right and not the left.
While I am amazed at left handers, they are the same as the right handers. I don’t know why they amaze me so much. It’s just so rare to see. Almost as rare as the occasional painful collision between two walkers. Yes, I have had this happen more than once, I don’t know about you..
And it bothers me when it happens. It makes me feel uncomfortable when somebody tries to pass me on the left. It’s so far out of my comfort zone, that it may bother me the whole day if one person ALMOST ran into me, but I had to dodge them. And with a crowded school like mine, that’s hard to do.
But I wonder if they feel that same awkwardness when they are forced to go right..
It could be their culture, in fact that goes left. Or maybe to stop and let the other one pass first. Have you ever had that happen? When you’re walking towards each other, and neither one of you goes a certain way, and you both just stop right in each others faces..
Yes, again, this has all happened to me. Quite more than once actually!
So let’s just conclude that its in their culture, or not in their common sense at the time, when somebody goes the “wrong way.”
My feet in a pocket and my small blanket up top, I never go without a blanket. Even in the hot hot summer, I always have my comforter atleast around my feet. I don’t know why, but it helps me sleep better. It makes me feel almost safe.
I’ve gone through this many times.. I try to let one foot out of its little pocket, or let my hand fall off the bed every once in awhile just to test myself. But it almost always gives me just an unsafe feeling. Even though I know that nothing will happen if I simply leave my feet under the covers without a pocket. So I don’t understand why I have this fear. Even if I do somehow get over it, I already have it as a habit to get into bed and tuck my feet in.
This past summer I kept a foot out for a bit. I found that as long as it was above my other foot, it felt fine to me. I’ve kind of tested myself, in a way, to get to the root of this problem.
Another thing I noticed was that I felt safe when my dog was next to me. Although she is nice to have next to me, its safer when she sleeps at my feet, or on the side of my bed, so that if my hand falls down, she is there if anything is to worry me.
I believe that this is a sort of loneliness feeling that brings all this out. Not that I am lonely, but maybe something as a child made me feel unsafe in my own room.
Actually, looking back into my childhood, I remember something happening in my room. I had been awaken at night, and I could not get this creaking noise out of my ears. I tried looking around and I remember seeing my closet doors opening, or seeming to, from completely different sides of the room. I tried to scream for my parents, but it wasn’t loud enough. I tried to close my eyes tight and make myself fall asleep. I remember feeling like the only person in the house. Like nobody was there to rescue me. It was probably the most scary and lonely moment of my childhood I can remember.
Even though it was all probably a dream, and I probably wasn’t actually screaming, it felt very real to me. And it stuck with me. That’s probably the moment I tucked myself in everywhere so that there were no cracks that anything could get me through. But the most important thing was my feet. My feet had to be in a huge pocket atleast to my knees. They had to. If I didn’t do it, I’d get pulled under the bed just like the people from “Don’t Look Under Your Bed” on Disney channel. That was the first scary movie I had seen, and it scared me to death. I don’t think I’ve ever had a free nights sleep since that movie entered my mind.
So why do I still act like there’s monsters under my bed? Well its not like I actually believe with all my heart that there are monsters under my bed; I actually don’t have an “under my bed.”
Conveniently, I like the look of a mattress without a frame. I have a box spring with a mattress and that’s it.
I guess I don’t want the temptation of that fear to get to me.. but I also don’t want the temptation of throwing all of my clothes under the bed either.
In reality, I think that that one moment as a child, made everything about my room completely different. I’ve adapted to my fear, so that It’s ideas unconsciously follow me throughout my whole life.
It sure would be nice to have a dog’s life. Their day includes all of sleeping, eating, playing and pooping.
I feel like it could be very boring at times, but if you think about it: no stress, no worries, no regrets or grudges. I mean seriously, have you ever had a dog? They hold no grudges whatsoever! So are they just that forgiving, or is that just how their brain works? It makes me wonder if there even is a filter for things like guilt, and other emotions. But I know that can’t be true. If they do something wrong, you can see it on there face, no coincidence in that.
When I leave my dog alone for just a few minutes, I can hear her crying for me. When I come back, she jumps all over me in excitement and just tells me how much she missed me. I know they can’t actually speak, but dogs express so much emotion, that they don’t have to.
So why is it that they will always come back to you if you do something wrong? If you spank their butt for Pooping on the carpet, they just want your love back.. you yell at them cause your in a bad mood, and they will eventually forget.. or seem to anyway.
So I think it’s their sense of loyalty and ownership..
Or maybe its just that they don’t think.. they don’t think about what they’ve done, and they don’t understand why you’re mad an hour after they pooped on the carpet..
They have no idea how human life is; they can’t think about it and process it like we do. They can’t give us the benefit of the doubt; they can only love us and cherish the moments they have with us.
Maybe that is what they do; live in the moment. So maybe we underestimated them this whole time. Maybe they can think and just prefer not to think hard.
Or maybe their ignorance is really bliss..
Their laziness, happiness, and willingness to almost anything.. It’s almost sad that they have no idea about the world around them.
But then again, they don’t have to have any idea at all. They just don’t have to.
It sweetens my heart to see an elderly couple walking in a park, or anywhere for that matter, holding hands. I’m not sure why though. And I know I am not alone. It could be my age and my views that make me see something special in that.
It could be that I know they’ve been together forever, been through it all, and still love each other and want to die together. And that very well may not be the case. I may be completely off.
Most people view the elderly as sweet and innocent. When in reality, they’ve been through just as much as we have… even more. They always say things like “oh it was always so much better back in my day”…
And I promise you all that that is not true. Nevertheless, they could have lost something worth living for not too long ago.. therefore making it actually seem better back then. But most of the time, they just say it to put down our generation.. to make us jealous in a sense.
Now, I loved my grandma so much, may she rest in peace, she was like my best friend. She lived in the moment with me, played imaginary everything. But she still did have things in her past that she missed… like my grandpa for instance. But I don’t remember her once saying a thing like that. And I look up to it deeply. She may have thought that it was, in fact, better in her young days, but she didn’t brag about it in front of me..
So maybe that’s why I see the elderly to be so sweet and innocent. But I know a lot of others do too.
I think that we all had that grandparent that made us feel special and loved. That’s the only side we ever saw of them really.. the super hero, cookie making, nurturing best friend.
I also think we all strive for what they have.. have the same destiny as them. We all want so badly to find our one true love and live with them forever, and die together like The Notebook. Even though we realize it won’t end like that..
They slowly walk hand in hand, gazing at the beauty of nature and each other. They can’t help but smile everytime they look at each other, knowing that there’s nothing in between them..
I think we find some sort of fairy tale peace or hope when we see it.
My dreams are, of course, becoming some type of psychologist. I want to help people get through all of their struggles in life. Maybe it was my struggles growing up that pushed me towards this career path,or maybe it was just coincidence.
My struggles soon became more medically prominent not too long ago.
I have been diagnosed with so many things, it makes me self conscious.
Although many psychologists and doctors would put these diagnostics in the “everyday problems” category, I put them in the “Freaky and shameful” category.
With that mindset, it’s hard to just move these things into a different category; I’ve been thinking of them in this one my whole life.
So I always think about things like “what if something happens while I’m trying to help another patient in the future?” I know that’s a long ways from now, and I’m hoping to be perfectly fine on my own by then, but… what if I’m not… what if I’be made no progress?
And again, with that mindset, I won’t.. this cloud of fear and doubt will always be hanging over my head.
So I can’t help but wonder and worry that I might be put in a corner of an office looking at papers all day for a living. I’m not putting down these jobs in anyway, but its just the opposite of what I want to do. I’d like to think of myself with my own office, being able to decorate it however I want so it seems to be outside and open. I want to be welcoming and happy when someone walks through my door. I don’t want to have to fake my way through my dream job; I don’t want to act like I’m not hurting at all. I just want to not hurt ever again. I don’t want the painful memories from this part of my life.
If I have a patient, and I’m talking to them, they very well might be able to tell that I’m faking something. You know what that will do to them? It will make them respect me less… it will make them learn how to fake, which would be the opposite of what I was trying to do… it will probably make them uncomfortable..
My biggest fear is having somebody be uncomfortable at all near me.. somebody not wanting to open up, or move on, because of me.
And I can’t help but wonder if all this is going to affect me; my thinking, my feeling, my consciousness.. everything that is me, makes me wonder if it affects what I want to be.
My whole life, my whole future, depends on me. Only me. In reality, that’s all it comes down to. Which is the scariest thing of all.
I’m driving home alone at night. The darkness is obvious around me, and I’m calm. My headlights flash onto this animal that seems to stare into my soul, that ugly thing. Okay, so I almost hit the thing, but atleast I didn’t..
But then my eyes get drawn to these other creatures that are all around me.
All. Around me.
They are forming from everything. Trees have legs.. the roads have deep craters that will pull me in. These shadowy figures suddenly lunging towards me make me jump. Makes my heart race.. my eyes water..
But then they stop lunging and start slowly coming towards me, but it seems as I am being pulled towards them. And I can’t stop. I can’t even see because of the tears falling so hard now. I’m being taken, and I can’t do anything. My blurry eyes only see them as more of a threat, which makes me cry and heave more.
I have to get out of here; I have to get away.
I can’t see the road so I try to estimate..
My legs, hands, and entire head are shaking, twitching..
I try to only look at the road so that those shadowy figures won’t catch my eye.
I really can’t see.
I’m just going to turn. I need to pull over or something, I can’t have a wreck..
As I pull over, feeling safe, I look around.
Suddenly, they’re all around me again. They just pop up knowing that, when they do, my breath will go out, my heart will stop, my body will get chilled and goosebumped; that everything in my body will shut down, and restart all up again at the speed of light.
They know how to make me tick. They know my vulnerability. They know my every weakness.
But at the very end, I realized something.. throughout this whole thing, I had forgotten about my secret weapon against these monsters; my ultimate super power.
I have learned that if I stare at them long enough, they will go away and become just trees again.. or signs, or sidewalks, or poles.
We need to have our super power, and remember that it’s there..
My power was laser vision.. I realized that, this whole time, if I would have just remembered I had this laser vision to fight these demons off with, I would have been perfectly fine after all.
I think that, if it were just the shadowy figures, I would have remembered I had laser vision.. but the strange animal that stared at me almost made everything else more lifelike; more so there. It made me forget about all my techniques: the breathing, the counting, finding a happy place, and having a super power. I just couldn’t understand why it was so intense this time..why it was so completely terrifying instead of just really scary. Because of the real life animal, on the real life road, with a real life face.
I guess it’s just all in how we view it.