Will this Cloud Forever Hang Over Me?

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Will this Cloud Forever Hang Over Me?

 

My dreams are, of course, becoming some type of psychologist. I want to help people get through all of their struggles in life. Maybe it was my struggles growing up that pushed me towards this career path,or maybe it was just coincidence.
My struggles soon became more medically prominent not too long ago.
I have been diagnosed with so many things, it makes me self conscious.
Although many psychologists and doctors would put these diagnostics in the “everyday problems” category, I put them in the “Freaky and shameful” category.
With that mindset, it’s hard to just move these things into a different category; I’ve been thinking of them in this one my whole life.
So I always think about things like “what if something happens while I’m trying to help another patient in the future?”  I know that’s a long ways from now, and I’m hoping to be perfectly fine on my own by then, but… what if I’m not… what if I’be made no progress?
And again, with that mindset, I won’t.. this cloud of fear and doubt will always be hanging over my head.
So I can’t help but wonder and worry that I might be put in a corner of an office looking at papers all day for a living. I’m not putting down these jobs in anyway, but its just the opposite of what I want to do. I’d like to think of myself with my own office, being able to decorate it however I want so it seems to be outside and open. I want to be welcoming and happy when someone walks through my door. I don’t want to have to fake my way through my dream job; I don’t want to act like I’m not hurting at all. I just want to not hurt ever again. I don’t want the painful memories from this part of my life.
If I have a patient, and I’m talking to them, they very well might be able to tell that I’m faking something. You know what that will do to them? It will make them respect me less… it will make them learn how to fake, which would be the opposite of what I was trying to do… it will probably make them uncomfortable..
My biggest fear is having somebody be uncomfortable at all near me.. somebody not wanting to open up, or move on, because of me.
And I can’t help but wonder if all this is going to affect me; my thinking, my feeling, my consciousness..  everything that is me, makes me wonder if it affects what I want to be.
My whole life, my whole future, depends on me. Only me. In reality, that’s all it comes down to. Which is the scariest thing of all.

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