Monthly Archives: August 2011

How I Sleep

How I Sleep

My feet in a pocket and my small blanket up top, I never go without a blanket. Even in the hot hot summer, I always have my comforter atleast around my feet. I don’t know why, but it helps me sleep better. It makes me feel almost safe.
I’ve gone through this many times.. I try to let one foot out of its little pocket, or let my hand fall off the bed every once in awhile just to test myself. But it almost always gives me just an unsafe feeling. Even though I know that nothing will happen if I simply leave my feet under the covers without a pocket. So I don’t understand why I have this fear. Even if I do somehow get over it, I already have it as a habit to get into bed and tuck my feet in.
This past summer I kept a foot out for a bit. I found that as long as it was above my other foot, it felt fine to me. I’ve kind of tested myself, in a way, to get to the root of this problem.
Another thing I noticed was that I felt safe when my dog was next to me. Although she is nice to have next to me, its safer when she sleeps at my feet, or on the side of my bed, so that if my hand falls down, she is there if anything is to worry me.
I believe that this is a sort of loneliness feeling that brings all this out. Not that I am lonely, but maybe something as a child made me feel unsafe in my own room.
Actually, looking back into my childhood, I remember something happening in my room. I had been awaken at night, and I could not get this creaking noise out of my ears. I tried looking around and I remember seeing my closet doors opening, or seeming to, from completely different sides of the room. I tried to scream for my parents, but it wasn’t loud enough. I tried to close my eyes tight and make myself fall asleep. I remember feeling like the only person in the house. Like nobody was there to rescue me. It was probably the most scary and lonely moment of my childhood I can remember.
Even though it was all probably a dream, and I probably wasn’t actually screaming, it felt very real to me. And it stuck with me. That’s probably the moment I tucked myself in everywhere so that there were no cracks that anything could get me through. But the most important thing was my feet. My feet had to be in a huge pocket atleast to my knees. They had to. If I didn’t do it, I’d get pulled under the bed just like the people from “Don’t Look Under Your Bed” on Disney channel. That was the first scary movie I had seen, and it scared me to death. I don’t think I’ve ever had a free nights sleep since that movie entered my mind.
So why do I still act like there’s monsters under my bed? Well its not like I actually believe with all my heart that there are monsters under my bed; I actually don’t have an “under my bed.”
Conveniently, I like the look of a mattress without a frame. I have a box spring with a mattress and that’s it.
I guess I don’t want the temptation of that fear to get to me.. but I also don’t want the temptation of throwing all of my clothes under the bed either.
In reality, I think that that one moment as a child, made everything about my room completely different. I’ve adapted to my fear, so that It’s ideas unconsciously follow me throughout my whole life.


A Dog’s Life

A Dog’s Life

It sure would be nice to have a dog’s life. Their day includes all of sleeping, eating, playing and pooping.
I feel like it could be very boring at times, but if you think about it: no stress, no worries, no regrets or grudges. I mean seriously, have you ever had a dog? They hold no grudges whatsoever! So are they just that forgiving, or is that just how their brain works? It makes me wonder if there even is a filter for things like guilt, and other emotions. But I know that can’t be true. If they do something wrong, you can see it on there face, no coincidence in that.
When I leave my dog alone for just a few minutes, I can hear her crying for me. When I come back, she jumps all over me in excitement and just tells me how much she missed me. I know they can’t actually speak, but dogs express so much emotion, that they don’t have to.
So why is it that they will always come back to you if you do something wrong? If you spank their butt for Pooping on the carpet, they just want your love back.. you yell at them cause your in a bad mood, and they will eventually forget.. or seem to anyway.
So I think it’s their sense of loyalty and ownership..
Or maybe its just that they don’t think.. they don’t think about what they’ve done, and they don’t understand why you’re mad an hour after they pooped on the carpet..
They have no idea how human life is; they can’t think about it and process it like we do. They can’t give us the benefit of the doubt; they can only love us and cherish the moments they have with us.
Maybe that is what they do; live in the moment. So maybe we underestimated them this whole time. Maybe they can think and just prefer not to think hard.
Or maybe their ignorance is really bliss..
Their laziness, happiness, and willingness to almost anything.. It’s almost sad that they have no idea about the world around them.
But then again, they don’t have to have any idea at all. They just don’t have to.

Perception of Age

Perception of Age

It sweetens my heart to see an elderly couple walking in a park, or anywhere for that matter, holding hands. I’m not sure why though. And I know I am not alone. It could be my age and my views that make me see something special in that.
It could be that I know they’ve been together forever, been through it all, and still love each other and want to die together. And that very well may not be the case. I may be completely off.
Most people view the elderly as sweet and innocent. When in reality, they’ve been through just as much as we have… even more. They always say things like “oh it was always so much better back in my day”…
And I promise you all that that is not true. Nevertheless, they could have lost something worth living for not too long ago.. therefore making it actually seem better back then. But most of the time, they just say it to put down our generation.. to make us jealous in a sense.
Now, I loved my grandma so much, may she rest in peace, she was like my best friend. She lived in the moment with me, played imaginary everything. But she still did have things in her past that she missed… like my grandpa for instance. But I don’t remember her once saying a thing like that. And I look up to it deeply. She may have thought that it was, in fact, better in her young days, but she didn’t brag about it in front of me..
So maybe that’s why I see the elderly to be so sweet and innocent. But I know a lot of others do too.
I think that we all had that grandparent that made us feel special and loved. That’s the only side we ever saw of them really.. the super hero, cookie making, nurturing best friend.
I also think we all strive for what they have.. have the same destiny as them. We all want so badly to find our one true love and live with them forever, and die together like The Notebook. Even though we realize it won’t end like that..
They slowly walk hand in hand, gazing at the beauty of nature and each other. They can’t help but smile everytime they look at each other, knowing that there’s nothing in between them..
I think we find some sort of fairy tale peace or hope when we see it.

Smoking Isn’t Beautiful

Smoking Isn’t Beautiful

Hate to say it, but I dont. With all of the smoking in the world, and more than enough knowlegde of it’s effects, it’s just ridiculous how it’s growing. Of course, it was much more prominent in the 50’s and 60’s, but it slowed after we actually gained the knowledge of the true effects. Nevertheless, the smoking industry is still huge.
Since there are no more billboard advertisements, or commercials, I have to wonder why people still find smoking to be a “cool” thing. I personally know many high schoolers that are already addicted to smoking, and it makes me sick. They just hang around in their little possies at sonic, leaning against the tables, nodding at each other, while they all sit in each other’s future lung cancer. We are so knowledged these days about the effects of drugs and alcohol, yet it doesn’t seem to decrease. I’m thinking that, because we are so used to being told these things, it just doesn’t register when the moment comes. The peer pressure… the desire to be “popular” when yet we all sit here saying that we’re individuals. Nobody is truly an individual in that sense. We all want to follow the trends in some way, catch up on the celebrity and local gossip, to stand out… if everyone’s goal is to stand out, then nobody really does. We are all just blending into each other.
Popularity doesn’t actually follow anyone throughout their life. We need to be able to be ourselves, and not get so caught up in the popularity that we lose focus of what really matters in life. It’s obviously easier said than done. Since we learn so much “awareness” so often, I think that we shouldn’t get taught all of these things so young. I love the D.A.R.E. thing in fifth grade, that’s the perfect age to inform but not get ignored. It shouldn’t be so much of a routine though; that’s the reason thats we’re blocking it out, and unconsciously marking it as unimportant in our brain. But by the time high school comes, dare is much less effective because hardly anyone can change the mind of a teenager. Dare, in high school, needs to be changed into some kind of value or future value class. As in, the real life effects of these things to our future. You can’t get your dream job or dream life when you have to worry about being judged and judging other people based on their societal status all the time. You can’t get everything you desire when you’re killing yourself..
So if you’re one of those people that are still in denial, I feel bad for you. It hurts me to know about all of the people dying everyday with some type of smoking related death. If you truly don’t care that there are many concerned strangers out there, concerned for you, then go ahead, brag to all of your friends that you went up to two packs a day instead of one. And go ahead and defend yourself by saying you’ll still be beautiful and those statistics don’t actually apply to you. But you’re only lying to yourself. You’re only trapped so deep into yourself, that there’s no way out; no way out of the reflection in the mirror. No way out of the doctor in the white coat telling you your real future, right there.. you block it out. You block it out of your mind, so that you don’t have to think about it; you don’t have to think about what comes next, and when nothing can ever come next again.

I Pick My Nose When No one’s Watching

I Pick My Nose When No one’s Watching


Oh come on, we all do it!
But I think there’s a point in our life where we realize its actually wrong. Or is there an actually point in time where we realize it? Maybe, maybe not..
But let’s start at the beginning. Picking the nose in public.. eating the boogers anywhere.. and sticking them anywhere..
I have a 6 year old brother and I’ve learned very quickly that kids respond more to reverse psychology. Even when its unintentional; Even when you aren’t wanting the opposite!
Kid picks their nose..“gross! Don’t pick your nose!” The kid giggles at your reaction, and keeps doing it. Then of course when they go to eat it, you try to stop them, horrified! But they find your horrific reaction even more amusing, and return to the digging spot to find more.
Now, I’m wondering why and when they learn the real meaning of all our reactions. Why they think its funny at 4 years old.. and then at 14, they know not to do it. There may have been an actual point where a friend, instead of a parent, told them how truly gross it is. Or maybe they just, over time, noticed that nobody else did it; the adults, that is. Their home surroundings and disciplines are what make them know what’s right and what’s wrong. It’s the maturing factor that helps a person know essentially when to “grow up.” But we know that there are plenty of immature people in this world. Maybe they just didn’t get the same basic nurturing as everyone else..
So back to the real problem. Kids first pick their nose because there’s an uncomfortable feeling up there. They eat it because they don’t know what to do with it. But as soon as they get a reaction, it booms!
The real way to do this is to show a tissue, show how to use it, and show what to do with everything. They need to know that they can get more tissues if they need it, but those tissues need to go in the trash. They need to know that, even if they do pick a little booger with their finger, to not wipe it on anything but a tissue!
Maybe, if we teach them before they teach themselves, they won’t turn our discipline into amusement, and we can eliminate all of the problems that follow.

Will this Cloud Forever Hang Over Me?

Will this Cloud Forever Hang Over Me?


My dreams are, of course, becoming some type of psychologist. I want to help people get through all of their struggles in life. Maybe it was my struggles growing up that pushed me towards this career path,or maybe it was just coincidence.
My struggles soon became more medically prominent not too long ago.
I have been diagnosed with so many things, it makes me self conscious.
Although many psychologists and doctors would put these diagnostics in the “everyday problems” category, I put them in the “Freaky and shameful” category.
With that mindset, it’s hard to just move these things into a different category; I’ve been thinking of them in this one my whole life.
So I always think about things like “what if something happens while I’m trying to help another patient in the future?”  I know that’s a long ways from now, and I’m hoping to be perfectly fine on my own by then, but… what if I’m not… what if I’be made no progress?
And again, with that mindset, I won’t.. this cloud of fear and doubt will always be hanging over my head.
So I can’t help but wonder and worry that I might be put in a corner of an office looking at papers all day for a living. I’m not putting down these jobs in anyway, but its just the opposite of what I want to do. I’d like to think of myself with my own office, being able to decorate it however I want so it seems to be outside and open. I want to be welcoming and happy when someone walks through my door. I don’t want to have to fake my way through my dream job; I don’t want to act like I’m not hurting at all. I just want to not hurt ever again. I don’t want the painful memories from this part of my life.
If I have a patient, and I’m talking to them, they very well might be able to tell that I’m faking something. You know what that will do to them? It will make them respect me less… it will make them learn how to fake, which would be the opposite of what I was trying to do… it will probably make them uncomfortable..
My biggest fear is having somebody be uncomfortable at all near me.. somebody not wanting to open up, or move on, because of me.
And I can’t help but wonder if all this is going to affect me; my thinking, my feeling, my consciousness..  everything that is me, makes me wonder if it affects what I want to be.
My whole life, my whole future, depends on me. Only me. In reality, that’s all it comes down to. Which is the scariest thing of all.

My Reality; Deepest Fears

My Reality; Deepest Fears


I’m driving home alone at night. The darkness is obvious around me, and I’m calm. My headlights flash onto this animal that seems to stare into my soul, that ugly thing. Okay, so I almost hit the thing, but atleast I didn’t..
But then my eyes get drawn to these other creatures that are all around me.
All. Around me.
They are forming from everything. Trees have legs.. the roads have deep craters that will pull me in. These shadowy figures suddenly lunging towards me make me jump. Makes my heart race.. my eyes water..
But then they stop lunging and start slowly coming towards me, but it seems as I am being pulled towards them. And I can’t stop. I can’t even see because of the tears falling so hard now. I’m being taken, and I can’t do anything. My blurry eyes only see them as more of a threat, which makes me cry and heave more.
I have to get out of here; I have to get away.
I can’t see the road so I try to estimate..
My legs, hands, and entire head are shaking, twitching..
I try to only look at the road so that those shadowy figures won’t catch my eye.
I really can’t see.
I’m just going to turn. I need to pull over or something, I can’t have a wreck..
As I pull over, feeling safe, I look around.
Suddenly, they’re all around me again. They just pop up knowing that, when they do, my breath will go out, my heart will stop, my body will get chilled and goosebumped; that everything in my body will shut down, and restart all up again at the speed of light.
They know how to make me tick. They know my vulnerability. They know my every weakness.

But at the very end, I realized something.. throughout this whole thing, I had forgotten about my secret weapon against these monsters; my ultimate super power.
I have learned that if I stare at them long enough, they will go away and become just trees again.. or signs, or sidewalks, or poles.
We need to have our super power, and remember that it’s there..
My power was laser vision.. I realized that, this whole time, if I would have just remembered I had this laser vision to fight these demons off with, I would have been perfectly fine after all.
I think that, if it were just the shadowy figures, I would have remembered I had laser vision.. but the strange animal that stared at me almost made everything else more lifelike; more so there. It made me forget about all my techniques: the breathing, the counting, finding a happy place, and having a super power. I just couldn’t understand why it was so intense this time..why it was so completely terrifying instead of just really scary. Because of the real life animal, on the real life road, with a real life face.
I guess it’s just all in how we view it.

Early Developing:

Early Developing:

So I was babysitting the other day, and when the parents got home, we got to talking and I found something interesting. Their little girl, about 9 years old, knows exactly what she wants to be. She wants to be a weather woman.
At first, it’s just interesting because its not the normal 3rd or 4th grader response.. It’s usually a teacher, or fire fighter. But then I realized how different this actually was. She is so interested by weather; she even records weather shows to watch them later.
I know that I was still in the “I’m gunna be a teacher” stage at that age.
So what’s really happening here? Or what did happen?
She may very well just be picking a random job, researching, and just being super persistent about it. With that, she could change her route very quickly, but seem just as passionate.. when she only wants to go so far in depth in her research, it comes off to everyone else as early developing.
Even that is really interesting.
But maybe it comes from what happened when she was younger, or just what she’s been hearing all through growing up. Maybe everything around her has told her to not know yet, to want to be a teacher like everyone else. But inside.. she truly knows what she wants.
Feelings vs. Surrounding?

Mind vs. Body?
She could feel older than she is.. or maybe just makes decisions faster. Because, as I have observed, her actual common sense seems at or a bit below average.
So maybe a certain part of her mind is triggered to working faster than the rest. And because of that, the rest of her mind lacks.
It’s interesting; all of the possibilities..
Another possibility is that it’s nothing at all.. or that it’s all pure coincidence. But something is telling me it’s not..

Flapping Your Gums?

Flapping Your Gums?

The gum issue has risen in school again! “Hey can I have some gum?”…”no that was my last piece, sorry.”

So.. we all know that this is, most of the time, a lie. Why do we have to lie about such little things? And why does it not phase us? Possession?
Well I mean, come on, if you don’t want to give out your gum, just say so. People, I believe, would much appreciate honesty over possession of your precious gum.. May be harsh, but I really want to know why we feel the need to possess over such small things.
I think that we view our surroundings as what we should be like. As in; If we see somebody else do it, we think its okay, or right.
But where does the first person get it from?
Maybe one day, someone obviously lied about not having gum. After that, someone else saw, hatched the idea, and thought “I could lie so much better than that. And maybe that is where we get our psychopaths, sociopaths, etc. Far fetched, I know, but it could very well be the beginning of unconscious liars. Liars of the big things that really make an effect.. once they can get away with the small things like lying about a piece of gum..